Webupon

Gone are the days when placing an ad in the Lonely Hearts Column of the local newspaper is something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. We now have Internet dating sites springing up all over the world and it has become a lucrative industry. So how does this compare to the traditional way of meeting and dating and do the same rules apply?

First of all we have the initial impression stage. The saying goes ‘ you only get one chance to make a first impression.  In the realm of Internet dating you are going to judged in a very different way than if you were in a social setting.

People who are dyslexic, or have issues with spelling and grammar fall at this hurdle right away.  If you met someone in the traditional way, it may take you months, even years to realize that this person cannot spell and so this would not have been a factor in that all important first impression.  However, apply that to on-line dating and the same person could be dismissed immediately and written off as unintelligent, uneducated or worse. If this applies to you, familiarize yourself with the spellchecker on your computer.

Then we have the issue of what you actually write in your profile.  We all have an idea of what we will make us happy and what we would prefer to avoid, but sometimes putting those things on a profile can give an impression that we are ONLY looking for one thing.  A good example of this is someone who states that they are looking for a long term relationship or marriage but the rest of the profile consists of a list of sexual preferences.  Sexual chemistry is important, but does this issue really need to be raised before you even know someones name? It may never get as far as meeting in person let alone meeting in the bedroom!  There is a time and a place for everything and a natural order in which things unfold.  A profile that is purely sexual in content is saying ONE thing : I am only looking for sex.

I feel that there are two kinds of people on dating sites.  Those who use the site as a place to make initial contact, are open to quickly moving on to meeting in person and developing a relationship, and those who are not.  The ones who are not have no reason to be honest.  They will add a few inches to their height, claim to weigh much less than they do, use pictures that range from being someone else entirely, to disguised with baseball caps, sunglasses, taken from 15 feet away or even taken 20 years ago. Some just do not post a picture at all.

If you click on a profile and find pictures of genitals, that says way more than ANYTHING they may have written in the profile.  In some cases it call also be an indication of deep insecurity when someone feels that the only attribute they have is a large penis.  It will take FAR more than that to sustain a relationship. The only time that is not a major red flag is if YOU are purely looking for a sexual encounter. 

So how do you filter the real from the fake?  How do you decide what to believe and what to dismiss?  Which questions do you need to be asking and what are the red flags?

Rule number one is a buy a web-cam, speakers and a mic.  There is no better way of seeing what someone REALLY looks like and hearing what they SOUND like, than to see and hear them LIVE as they are RIGHT NOW.   If they are reluctant, then consider it a red flag.  It could just be that they are shy or self conscious, but could also be due to not being the person in the pictures or looking very different today than they did when the pictures were taken. They could also have odd body language or gestures or even a speech impediment.  Better to know all of this BEFORE you come face to face.

A web-cam also reveals other secrets.  If they claimed to live alone but refuse to put the cam on while you are chatting on Yahoo for hours then it could be that there are others in the room, possibly even a partner.  They could be hiding the fact that they are at work because they are married and cant talk to you when they are home.  They could live in poor conditions, have poor personal hygiene or dress in a way that would not be attractive to you. The camera is remarkably revealing.

Have you spoken on the phone? Was it a land line or a cell phone? Once you have met in person and decided that you want to see the other person again, its time to exchange land line numbers.  Cell phones are fine before that initial meeting, none of us want to give out a land line number until we have met and decided that this is something we want to pursue, but if someone wants to continue seeing you, but never takes you to their home and never gives you a land line number, apply caution. They could be married.

Be honest.  If you are looking for some idle chat on the Internet to pass the time then that’s fine.  However if you are hoping to come face to face with someone that you are chatting with you must be honest.  I can think of nothing worse than showing up to meet someone for the first time and being shocked to find that he was 4 inches shorter than he claimed to be.  The same thing applies to anyone meeting me.  Arranging to meet someone for the first time is scary enough without the added burden and knowing that they will suddenly see that you were not who you claimed to be, and could have shock and disappointment written all over their face.  This is even more important if a long distance is involved.

So if you are 180lbs then BE HONEST, don’t pretend you are 120lbs. If you have some illness, disfigurement, disability or condition, then its far better to be upfront about it BEFORE you arrange to meet someone than to have them take one look at you and walk away. You waste your time, their time and create a great deal of embarrassment for all concerned.

Finally we come to the issue of distance.  The most significant way that Internet dating differs from traditional dating is that it opens up the whole world.  This has advantages and disadvantages.  The advantages are that you have far more choice and therefore are more likely to find a potential match.  The possibilities are endless, IF you are open to them.

It can also be an indicator of intention and sincerity. Sometimes people will say they are seeking ‘ Ms Right and then insist that she lives in a 25 mile radius of them.  So do they mean MS Right or are they talking about her sisters Ms right NOW and MS Right HERE.  Sometimes, this can be an indication that someone wants a casual encounter, friends with benefits or a one night stand. No one is going to invest time and money in travel if they are looking for something casual.  This can often be a contradiction to what they may have written in the profile.

This is also where all that geography you learned in school comes in handy. Some people are willing to relocate if they meet the right person. Others are looking for the right person to help them relocate.  The problem here is how do you which category they fall into?

That’s actually not as complicated as it sounds if you know the difference between the countries that have a similar economy, and civil liberties to your own and the ones that are in the third world or run by dictators.  

If you are approached by someone who lives in West Africa, some parts of Eastern Europe, China, former Russian states ( there are many more , those are just the ones that come to mind), then you need to be questioning their motivation for seeking someone outside of their own country. Is marrying you their only hope of escape from a life of misery and poverty?  They MAY well be genuine, but you need to clarify that.

If, however they live in a country such as the USA, Canada or Western Europe ( UK, Spain, France, Germany, Denmark, Italy etc), these are all FIRST WORLD countries.  The economy, civil liberties, laws and politics are not going to vary to a great extent between them and it is far less likely that someone from any of these countries is going to be motivated by a NEED to escape where they live.

The only real issue here is how good is your geography?  Do you know the difference between a third world or communist country, and a country that enjoys the same freedoms as your own?  Before you dismiss someone OR become involved with them, do yourself a favor and check it out.  You may be passing up genuine happiness or avoiding a scam.