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With nothing but his trusty whip, his 5 o’clock shadow, and his film crew, this man delved deep into the rain forests of southern Germany to find what had been lost for centuries. His mission, to find the mystical artifact and pry the world from the evil clutches of Nazi Germany’s Thousand-Year Reich. The Golden iPod.

No, not really. In the real world (or, the real internet world), the Golden iPod is an award. It was started in 2006 by a popular online encyclopedia called Encyclopædia Dramatica. The rules are simple: 1. There can only be one. This means there can only be one winner of the award each year. 2. The person must become ‘an hero’. There’s a story behind this; read below. 3. The person in question must have become ‘an hero’ in a lulzy way. The candidate has to have become ‘an hero’ in a way that is actually pretty funny when looked at objectively. 4. The candidate must have an ED article. The nominee for the award must have an article on Encyclopædia Dramatica. 5. There must be drama involved. There has to be some drama involved in this person’s becoming ‘an hero’ or the events following.

Anyone fitting these guidelines can be nominated, and the voting is held at a specific time every year, anyone with an ED account can vote.

The phrase ‘an hero’ was coined with the first winner of the Golden iPod, Mitchell Henderson. One day, he couldn’t find his iPod, believed it to be stolen by bullies from school, and committed suicide. His parents rushed to his room, only to discover his corpse with a bullet wound in his head, and his iPod plugged in to the charger several feet away. On April 20, 2006, Mitchell Henderson became ‘an hero’. On his MySpace memorial, his friends’ terrible grammar spawned the internet meme ‘an hero’. Mitchell later went on to be in a Blink-182 song and allegedly boosted Apple’s sales 57.8%.

Other notable winners (the only other two) were Cho Seung-Hui, who killed 33 people at the Virginia Tech shooting, and Bruce “Satan Claus” Pardo, who killed 9 people, set a house on fire, and shot an 8-year-old in the face, all dressed as Santa Claus. Cho apparently set the high score for his deeds, which was later broken. But he still holds 2nd place!!1!eleventy-one!

It was Bruce Pardo’s duty, one Christmas, to dress up as Santa Claus in his neighborhood for the yearly Christmas party that just so happened to be at his mother-in-law’s. He decided, hell, why not take it one step further? So he did. Bringing a homemade flamethrower to his mother-in-law’s house, he rang the doorbell, and shot the 8-year-old girl who answered in the face. He then proceeded to shoot seven other people, burn the house down, and then shoot himself. There was a party at the house that night, and sixteen people in all were injured (not including the nine that died).

The only nominee for the Golden iPod in 2009 (so far) is Tim Kretschmer. He’s not that interesting, though I urge you to look him up as you have nothing better to do with your life. It’s not like you’ll ever become an hero anyway.