As the myriad of social networking sites slowly congeal into one tepid lump, here’s a quick rundown of the things you’ll likely see next to your friends’ names informing you they’re not dead yet.
Informative (i.e- Dull)
Sometimes it’s urgent, sometimes it’s incredible, sometimes the person just can’t be bothered to expand into polysyllabic sentences. Basically, this is just the news. There’s no humour, there’s no context, there’s just a literal update of the friend stripped down to the bald facts. This person might as well announce what time it is.
Examples
- Steve is ill.
- Jane is typing her status.
- Barry is respirating.
Inflammatory
A status update designed to aggravate anybody who views it. This person has tried arguing with their toaster but has got bored and now needs real (i.e- virtual) debate from people they see less than their doctor.
Examples
- Steve is over the moon the Reds lost! Eat scum you bile-loving child murderers!
- Jane thinks people must be pretty insensitive to dye their hair.
- Barry hates whites.
The Smug Boast
This is similar to the tediously informative status in that it tells you exactly what the friend is up to. However the difference here is the unspoken knowledge that you won’t be doing the same. You’re probably just eating a fish finger you found under your bed.
Examples
- Steve is just chilling at Sam Jackson’s crib. Can you believe he hands out wads of money to people with knees? Oh yeah, and he wants me to have three of his cars. I get to pick!
- Jane will have to find a bigger display case for her Nobel Prize. She didn’t even know that ‘Being Awesome’ was a category!
- Barry thinks Heff throws the best parties.
Curiously Depressing
An enormous weight of anxiety has descended on this person’s shoulders and they think the best way to notify their nearest and dearest is via a series of enigmatic snippets on the web.
Examples
- Steve just doesn’t know what to do anymore.
- Jane is just….er……*sigh*.
- Barry is wondering if there’s a cure.
The Obscure Quote
When it comes to pop culture, this person has an internal encyclopedia of quotes that flicker at lightspeed, like those timetables at airports. Of course, you won’t recognise any of them. They’re impenetrable. You shall only recognise them by the fact the status makes no bloody sense.
- Steve can has cheeseburger.
- Jane must cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring.
- Barry has red on him.
Obviously, the status that’s worse than all of these is the one that’s simply a link to a page you don’t care about. However, that’s for another place and another time.
(Next Wednesday outside the Pizza Hut. Not that one, the other one)
May 29th, 2009 at 3:20 am
This is so true! I use Facebook and Myspace as a means of communication, and I see this everywhere. Soon we will have all made eachother incredibly dumber and Tom will have won!!!