How to be a Troll

Sun, Dec 30, 2007, by A. Fool

Social Networks

Humorous description of how one Trolls.

To really be a successful troll is not as simple as you think.   
Being banned after your second post is not being a successful troll.
Having everyone put you on ignore is not being a successful troll.
To be a successful troll you must either

  • Nuke the message board
  • Colonize it.

Nuking happens when a mod doesn’t ban you and other posters flee so that you (and your duals and/or “best friend”) are the only active members. You have killed that Message Board.

Colonizing happens when you actually take over the MB. When it is virtually a branch of Trollkingdom.

As a Troll, it is pointless to waste a keystroke typing *&^&%^. You’ll be banned, the post deleted. No one, perhaps not even the person you are aiming at, might see it. Where’s the victory in that?

Victory comes when you get on a Message Board take it apart, either destroying it with a Nuke or making it your playpen.

Your first mission as a Troll is to find a victim Message Board. You can judge your skill by the kind of MB you take down. Greatness comes from being able to take down a Message Board which shouldn’t have let you on in the first place. I’m talking about Christian Message Boards where you admit you are an atheist from post one. Women’s Message Boards, where you state you are a man.

For you to take down these “obverse” Message boards is equivalent to winning an Olympic Gold Medal. There is more than one way to do it; but basically, it requires a little effort.

Log on, lurk a bit to get the trends, make a few harmless posts. Then start your own thread. Create a dual and keep it lurking. Some MBs check for duals. If you have another account that you’ve never used, it doesn’t qualify as a dual. If challenged you can always reply that you didn’t want to use that Nick so created another account. If you have access to two ISPs or use a proxy server, you can activate your duals immediately. However, it is better to turn a real poster into your zombie. This is someone whom you can make your “best friend” by pretty little pms. Having a “red shirt” who will jump in to take that bullet meant for you is priceless. It ensures your continuation on the MB and may give you a martyr.

Now begin.

S/M topics are always useful. If you are careful and phrase them properly, avoiding obscenity or lecherous language, you can turn any site, even “Toys for Tots” into an S/M forum.

Most mods are stupid enough to think this is a free speech issue. When other posters object to your thread, be careful how you attack them. Go for the roundabout ‘tongue in cheek’ method, tossing in something you know will hurt. If during your lurk you learned Jim is over sixty, ridicule his age; “Did you take your heart medicine?” Where you don’t know enough about other posters to compose that zinger; lie. claim they have ’stalked you’.  

Stalkers always claim their victim is stalking them. On message boards, this often works because the posters are usually oblivious to what each other is doing.

That a particular poster never made a single post to you doesn’t matter. If the Moderator or the poster confronts you, make the lame apology; “Sorry (name) I meant someone else..” And leave it at that. What you want to do is portray yourself as a “victim” whose freedom of speech is being threatened. That all one hundred members are the opposite of what you claim to be only adds to the “freedom of speech” cache.

There are MBs where the Mod won’t put up with foolishness and might ban you.   You are not yet defeated.       Find the owner of the MB and whine.   If the Owner is the Mod, leave quietly. Most owners are too busy doing something else to watch their Message Board. This is why they appoint stupid people to unpaid labor as moderators.

Nine times out of ten, the Owner will overrule his/her own Moderator to please you. Take this as a “kill”. When you pop back onto the Message Board, as a clear slap in the face to the Mod, unless s/he is a person of no pride, s/he will quit.  If s/he doesn’t officially quit, s/he will never touch your posts. You can raise your attacks a bit, go into more offensive details which  chase posters.  When decent posters realize you have absolute run of the MB and their opinions mean nothing, they leave.

Never forget, for the majority of people a Message Board, is just a by the way diversion. They have no stake in keeping this particular MB “up”. Many belong to other Message Boards. Not logging on to the one you are trolling isn’t a flake of dandruff to them. Gives them more time to post elsewhere. These members will leave without a sound.

There are others who really liked the Message Board you are destroying. They might make a ‘Good Bye Cruel Message Board’ announcement.  Jump on those announcements. Proclaim how you never tried to run them, how sorry you are for them to leave.    This adds to your point score.

Now that you’ve proved your power, slowly begin ‘culling’  the members. Begin with the most vulnerable. Anything s/he posts, criticize.    Don’t make a clear cut personal attack, attack the post. If the poster responds, keep going until s/he loses her temper and attacks you.

Report that poster to the Mod. If it is the same Mod who banned you, it’s another slap in the face.  As the Mod can’t ban you, the other poster, getting no protection, stops posting.

As you kill off the weaker posters, toss a few zingers at the stronger. Report them even if they haven’t responded to your posts. If the Mod hasn’t quit before, (or if this is a replacement Mod) s/he should quit right about now. Getting a Mod to quit is true victory. Running a few posters here and there are frills. Anyone can do that. One doesn’t have to be a Troll to cause posters to exit. Only a first class Troll can chase a Moderator.

This gives you the run of the Message Board. If there are still fools posting, up the temperature on your attacks. If you haven’t created duals yet, do so. If you have, deploy them. Have your duals abandon all reticence. Make the nastiest attacks on all other posters, (save your “best friend”).

This should drive the remaining fools off of the MB. They have no Moderator to complain to, it is too much trouble to find the Owner.  And why should they subject themselves to your attacks?

They will leave. If, by some chance, the Owner arrives, it is your duals who are doing the damage, not you. The Owner can ban all of them. Since you and your best friend should be the only active posters, You might might wind up being appointed the Mod.

If you want to colonise it with your troll friends, cool. If you already have a few MBs under your belt, simply leave.  Your work is done.

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36 Comments For This Post
  1. RubySoho Says:

    Wow this is pathetic! What is the point of all this? If you want your own message board, build one. There are many free ones you can sign up with. Anyone who gets their jollies this way really needs to get a life!

  2. a fool Says:

    Oh gosh Ruby! This was tongue deeeeeeep in cheek. It is
    actually what happened to another Message Board. Imagine
    trying to warn the Mod and Owner what was going on, and
    they refused to take me seriously until ‘bang’ it went
    down.

    So I wrote it to alert Mods and Owners in this kind of
    funny way to warn them.

    But everything posted here is true. This is what they
    do. There is actually a ‘Union of Trolls’ which do this.

    If you are on a Message Board and see this happening,
    send the Mod/Owner to this site so that they’ll be
    forewarned.

  3. NickTheGreek Says:

    Besides the bottom point is 50% of the Revenue…:P

  4. a fool Says:

    Put is like this; MBs survive on ‘hits’. Maybe one will
    have a herd of trolls rushing in to make a mess, but they’ll
    rush out just as quickly. A long lasting MB guards against
    trolls.

  5. Wendy Says:

    Not sure why one would do this but gosh I loved the way you presented LOL

  6. a fool Says:

    It’s the main sport for a Troll. To destroy an MB. It’s an
    RPG played with real people.

  7. a fool Says:

    It\’s the main sport for a Troll. To destroy an MB. It\’s an
    RPG played with real people.

  8. Jantar Says:

    There are some sad people around. Good article,
    J.

  9. Smiling_Melvin Says:

    All right, you’ve got me curious as hell. Which message board did you give this royal treatment?

    Just like earthquakes, an aftershock or two can do a lot more damage!! You know what I mean, Vern?

  10. iou Says:

    Thanks for the pointers! Don’t know if i’ll have the guts to use them, though!

  11. a fool Says:

    The best part is to be on a MB, see someone Trolling, warn the mod, and watch him/her do nothing, and mind bet how long will it be for the site to become moribund. Usually it takes four days because not everyone logs on every day.

    A rule of thumb; if there are ten people on the MB when the Troll
    posts, eight will leave and never return.

    Of the subsequent posters, expect 90% of those who view the posts
    to log off and never return.

    On the third day, with no action, the remaining posters log off,
    and one should have a nice empty MB.

  12. Charlie Says:

    Why would the board’s creator pander to the “victimized” troll’s request? It seems like the Mod could just bring in some posts from the troll to show the board’s creator and bam! No more troll…

  13. a fool Says:

    Because the mod isn’t being paid, and it’s too much
    effort, and as soon as you make it ‘equal’; the word
    of the ‘trusted’ Mod balancing with the word of some
    Troll out of nowhere, the Mod walks off.

    Put it simply; you are my Mod. You ban Troll.
    Troll writes to me and I contact you;
    “Why did you ban Troll?”

    That means…
    I have no respect for you.

    If five different people write to me I’ll say;
    “what’s going on?” and then you’ll tell me what
    happened. But when I demand you justify why you
    banned a Troll? You are so out of there.

  14. antisocial Says:

    This is great. I’ve been trolling since 96. I had humble beginnings at rec.sport.pro-wrestling, trolled hundreds of boards. But the best place to troll, is a live chat, I find it much more of a challenge, engaging people in real time, as opposed to on MB’s. Check out freetowne.com for my work..it should be called ghosttowne, because it’s dead.

  15. a fool Says:

    Very Proud of you

  16. Tella Says:

    Teehee, ahv never trolled on this scale!!! Ahm a troll on the Runescape forums =D Ah like the game, ok? Hush. Its a lot smaller scale – instead of killing the forums, because that would be killing a company, jobs — maybe the most lifeless of kids that play that would get so upset at the close of the game they’d kill themselves, and in effect, its the killing of lives. Plus, so many jobs, so many currnecies, salaries, and ways to spend your money, it would add to the ressesion! So in effect, it would be killing the country – a nation – maybe in time a world!! GODS IN THE GROUND! Thas real trolling.

    Buuuut. Ah wouldn’t do tha, ah love our world and everyone in it! So we just work on killing silly threads and riding silly guys. Its great fun, ahaha. Similar stuff accept theres much less taking overness. Just post a few silly comments and your done.

    Ahd loooove to try this though. Maybe to do good! Like, on a board where people gossip and make fun of people behind their backs =D Ahd be using my trolling skills for the power of good and not evil!!

    Wowie.

  17. a fool Says:

    Tella The Good Troll of the West

  18. Tella Says:

    Wooh =D

  19. pathetic Says:

    I am a troll. I have trolled many forums. I have been banned from so many its not even funny anymore. It started as a hobby and snowballed. I even had a mod physically intimidated so she stopped modding. LoL

  20. A. Fool Says:

    Dear Pathetic…making a mod quit is the purpose of a really good troll. Take getting rid of a Moderator as ‘Kill’.

  21. Leah Says:

    This tpic is sooooooooooo great.
    I am planning to troll a particular gaming forum. Am a moderator yet I have the urge to troll a forumer.
    Its better to troll the forumer than using my banhamer.

  22. A. Fool Says:

    Create a dual, a perfectly horrible dual and make everyone complain about him/her/it then eventually you can delete a
    post or two and say your warned Dual.

    On one forum there was this incredibly anti-Jewish mod. She
    makes Almadinajah look like Harry Truman. She had a ‘fingerpuppet’ (her dual) who would post the most incredible remarks and anyone who objected what the fingerpuppet posted was banned!

    This went on and on until someone contacted the owner of the MB and he kicked her. But until then….did she troll

  23. BLALAZER Says:

    This is great. I am a mod on Kongregate, but I have been trolling on the web way before that happened. Why I quit Kong after long time modding was that the owners did listen to the trolls. They just care about the traffic, not what happened. In their attempts of pleasing everyone they leave themselves open to a flood of trolls. MBs are the same way.

    Well, this inspired me. Time to troll some vegans and christians!!

  24. A. Fool Says:

    I know exactly what you’re talking about Kong. Traffic is everything. On one site, which had really been great, some insane guy who was deep into pegging got on and when there were complaints the owner overruled the mod. The mod quit, the posters quit, and nothing is happening.

  25. asdasdasdasdasdasdasdadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsasdasdas Says:

    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  27. asdasdasdasdasdasdasdadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsasdasdas Says:

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  28. sdadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsasdasdas Says:

    QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNMVQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM

  29. troll Says:

    watch out for http://www.thetrollpit.com its a breeding ground for trolls and they plan attacks on there.

  30. A. Fool Says:

    And on Trollkingdom….

  31. cheater_1 Says:

    I am THE cheater_1. THE INTERNET\’S MOST HATED PERSONALITY. I absolutely loved this article. BRAVO!

    I will dispute about 32% of what\’s said HERE, but that aside, it\’s spot on. I actually make a LIVING trolling. I am PAID by various websites to troll there and DRIVE traffic to said website. I have been a PROFESSIONAL troll since the www went LIVE. DAY ONE!!!! I put a spin on TROLLING and actually strive to be hated. The more DEATH threats I get, the happier I become.

    I may actually plagairize this article and take FULL credit for it and post it on my MYSPACE page. Well, done.

  32. A. Fool Says:

    may I have your autograph?

  33. Free Speech Says:

    I thought about this article as I touched myself last night.

  34. thatguy324 Says:

    hehehe i will soon take down alloyavenue.com and make it the new troll pit any who wants to help go wreck havock HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!11!!!!1!11

  35. A. Fool Says:

    Sounds fantastic

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