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I was at a party last night. There was a hot topic being discussed in one of the rooms there. One that got every one’s attention.

A married couple was talking about Facebook and how it has become a problem in their marriage. I’m not an active Facebook member, but I joined for a few weeks awhile ago at the request of some friends and know enough about it to understand the terms and the way it goes.

This particular couple has been married for over 15 years. The wife (W) has had her facebook account for quite awhile and has over 300 friends. The husband (H) not for a year yet and has less than 100 friends.

The problem?

Well, it seems that H has old girlfriends from High School and College there. They have contacted him and asked him to be added to his page as a “friend”, wanting to re-establish some sort of relationship with H. Some are single or divorced. Some married.

W meanwhile, has current work related friends, and friends that they both know as a couple. She has received emails from old boyfriends wanting to be friends, and has declined those invitations. She thinks that being married warrants that.

H says he feels like his W should trust him more than she does. That he is listed as “married” and all his friends know that he is. That it’s harmless and that it’s healthy too. He feels very judged. He flat out refuses to deactivate his account even if his wife deletes hers. It feels to him like W is being demanding.He says it’s harmless fun.

The whole party got involved in this discussion…..except me. I listened to both sides and found myself siding with one, then the other, and felt a little like a ping pong ball. If a person is capable of cheating on a spouse, they’ll find a way to do that, right? Facebook and MySpace aren’t responsible for infidelity in a marriage. That responsibility belongs to the partners, right?

It was interesting. It was heated. These public social networks are something relatively new and we (as a society) haven’t quite decided how to handle the responsibility of being social so easily. There is potential for danger here that we can’t see yet because we don’t want to. It’s a new toy for us. A way to escape. A breath of fresh air.

After sleeping on it, I have some thoughts about what I heard and more about WHAT I DIDN’T HEAR, when I listened….

Marriage is work. It’s hard to keep a relationship fresh and alive and growing. If you’re lucky enough to have one that inspires you to want to do that, I think that staying away from tempting ways to make you feel like a member of the opposite sex understands you better than your spouse does is a good idea.

It’s easy to tell someone ELSE about your problems with your spouse and get enough empathy to make you feel like your H or W REALLY has a problem. Easy to get someone to see it your way when both sides aren’t presented. Easy to escape and not work things out with your partner and to instead tell an old love (or even a new “friend” that just landed on your page) what’s not working. Too easy to find that new, fresh, face and feel energized by the newness. Too easy to forget your priorities and to make a mistake…..a big one.

I don’t think that it’s a good idea for even the most happily married people to put any energy into relationships that have potential to cross the line in times of weakness. These social networks make it very easy to cross the line.

It’s not about trust. It’s about protecting the relationship from our weakness as humans. If your marriage isn’t worth protecting, it’s not built to last. And fun that has potential to be more than harmless is risky business, in my opinion.

Interestingly, I found myself empathizing with H last night. A glass of wine made that possible and easy. Then this morning, I felt like he’s a crazy man to take a chance like the one he’s taking. I’m in my forties and single and don’t believe that relationships like the one he seems to have with his wife happen all that much. I think they’re both INCREDIBLY lucky to have one another. His W adores him and they have a wonderful energy between them. But, that glass of wine skewed my view somehow and made me feel like she was being hard on him.

That’s the point for me, I guess. A moment in time can change perception and make ANYONE do something today that they wouldn’t do for a million dollars tomorrow.

All it takes is a moment…