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If religious-minded folks developed an app for FaceBook, it’d probably be called the Catholic App. As FaceBook is becoming a virtual information bulletin of our daily activities, your childhood wishes of will I go to heaven or hell could be prematurely determined by what you post on FaceBook. It may not be long now when the Papacy in Vatican could be contemplating an app that warns you if what you are doing will result in a heaven-entry or a hellish nightmare. Face it, we all like advance information that we could use for mid-course correction, a form of e-confession. Imagine an app that lets you mark all your FaceBook activities that require you to obtain a confession. Its just like the email read, unread, mark as spam feature. You get to mark your activities for “confession”. Then a catholic priest with a FaceBook account gets to see these activities, marks them as “forgiven” and voila you have absolved yourself of your sins or e-sins at least. I can already see the venture capitalists queuing up to fund this app.

Of course, the activity list currently on FaceBook is biased toward your goodness activities because that’s what you want to advertise. I am thinking of the day when the government will use your FaceBook account to virtually put alerts about you or ostracize you from your virtual friend circle. FaceBook may want to interface with the Department of Justice to access your parole/incarceration records and have your jail activities listed as a daily bulletin for others to see. Or your ex-girlfriends or boyfriends, even if minors, would be allowed to insert their experiences with you. Roman Polanski, if he had a FaceBook account back in 1978, would have had an entry “I had sex with a 13-year old minor girl”. He would have marked this entry for e-confession, sent it to the Catholic App, and have a priest mark the activity as “forgiven” with the annotation “you couldn’t find a minor boy?”. For Chinese folks, it could be e-Confucius, giving his pearls of wisdom. To quote from Russell Peters, the Canadian Indian comedian, it could be something like “Confucius Say: You go to jail, bad boy!”.

Another feature of the Catholic App is it warns people, especially Children, in advance. A running list of your good and bad activities is maintained and marked as time proceeds toward an eventual tally for whether you receive a gift from the King of the North Pole under a tree in the comfort of your parent’s home (the heavenly experience) or you’d have to line-up at 4AM in WalMart to get your own gift after having made to work there as a greeter until 4AM (arguably a hellish experience). But, I am digressing. To get back to the app, a warning activity is inserted into your FaceBook Wall, with the grave message ” You are close to exhausting your goodwill with the custodians of goodness; be prepared to meet thy fate at the hands of the King of Marts, should you continue down your perilous journey”. And no, there is no voice version of it that says it funnily in an East Indian accent.

Now is the time of Halloween. How can I forget that in the app? An e-Halloween party for all those rejected on Match.com or e-harmony.com. Admit it, you are scary folks. You don’t need a costume. Your Internet moniker is enough to suggest you are creepy, get it?. Your FaceBook Wall with the message “I have been rejected” by hunchback_girl gets recognized as a gate pass for your entry into the e-Halloween.Com’s virtual costume party. Some choices are automated: David Letterman gets a default e-creepy pass, for instance. At e-Halloween.com, the app makes sure that creep meets other creeps. The app administers a set of 200 questions to measure exactly how creepy you are and matches you to the right level of creepiness. I believe the program works. The hunch back girl sent e-Halloween.com a success story. She found her match in someone called Scooter Libby and now have been e-married. WalMart greeters, collection company employees, telemarketers, people with missing teeth,John Ashcroft, Karl Rowe and Manoj Night Shyamalan are life time members of the e-Halloween.com cooperative. Sarah Palin just dropped out of membership, we heard. She argued that in-bred folks cannot be considered creepy and points to the success of the movie “Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay” as a vivid illustration of how America loves in-bred children chained up in basements.

So, folks, your e-fate is in your e-hands as you e-live your life on FaceBook. Don’t e-f$%k up. The e-Catholics are watching.