Spend a week perusing the bandwidths of Facebook or MySpace and you will quickly pick up on several typecasts that reveal themselves through their profile pages. Here’s a look at ten of my favorites.
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Survey Chick
Every time I sign on to MySpace, I’m visually berated by a bulletin of surveys by the same lame-ass chick with too much time on her hands. And the questions are always so generic and bleak: “Who did you last text?” “Do you like scary movies?” I tell you what I’d really like to know: “When was the last time you had a job?”
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“You Looked Better on ______” Girl
I’m not sure what the photo-upload programs of these two social networking giants are capable of, but I can guess…and that’s magic. Last week my roommate met a girl that he had only seen pictures of on Facebook. She looked pretty sexy in her pictures, and thus, he was pretty excited to finally meet her in person. When she walked through our door I almost laughed out loud. She was painfully unattractive. I speak for my roommate when I say “Damn you, Mark Zuckerberg!”
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Mr. & Ms. Make-Me-Wanna-Gag
This couple writes the most gag-inducing, lovesick messages all over one another’s pages as if no one else were reading them. Things like “ohhh my schmoopy, thank you for an amazing night, i luv you soooo much!!1!” Look, I’m glad that you’re in love with Jose, the 19 year old shift manager at Hardee’s, but please, at least spare us the pain of having to read each of your walls and send him a private message.
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Ms. “Kissyface” Pics
This overly bleached, tanned, and flat-ironed grace of God has 800+ pictures of herself and her clone army of friends, all frozen in time in the same gauche, clichéd poses. You know the image I’m talking about: five girls all huddled around the camera in a semi-circle, puckering their overly-glossed lips into a kissing expression, and throwing up the ever-popular sideways peace sign.
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“Sooo Wasted” Dude
This pillar of masculinity likes to brag about he was “sooo wasted” last night. His life typically revolves around his win-loss record in beer pong, and his major decisions include which type of keg to buy and which girl he is going to harass for the night. He is also prone to giving his readers a laundry list of what he had consumed the previous night. It usually reads something like: “killed 15 beers, 2 shots of tequila, 2 cherry bombs, 3 irish carbombs, and a shot of 151 last night.” This prompts us to wonder: “If you were so wasted, how can you remember all that crap?”
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Status-Changer Freak
The status-changer freak is the product of an evolution that began many moons ago with “Away message changer freak.” When AIM was still the primary means of advertising your every action, the away message freak would have a field day. A typical away would read: “class at 9:30, dentist appt, lunch with kels, class, class, probably dinner (not sure though, not sure if ill have enough time), shower, date with jamesssss” Unfortunately for us, Facebook and Myspace introduced the “status” feature, providing Away Message changer freak the perfect forum to practice their craft. Once you’ve located a chronic status-changer, go to your Facebook homepage and have some fun. Just sit back, relax, and hit refresh every couple minutes. Oh, the suspense!
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Greek4Lifer
Oftentimes one in the same as Ms. Kissyface Pics, Greek4Lifer is vapid and disillusioned enough to think that there are people outside her sorority who actually give a damn how great DZ is. We know you love your “girls”; we know that this on-campus organization has provided you with “sistaaas for lifeeee.” But please, stop reminding us about it with every piece of correspondence you have with the “outside world.” Or else I might just have to remind you that you had to resort to buying your friends in order to have them.
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Mommy-to-Be
The miracle of life is one of the most beautiful things a couple can experience- “a couple” being the operative words of that statement. To the expectant mothers out there: stop posting pictures of you lifting your shirt up to display your increasingly growing baby bump. That might be cute and endearing to your hubby, but to us it’s just gross.
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Profile Overloader Chick
My dear, you are constantly adding so many new backgrounds, slideshows, YouTube videos, animations, music playlists, and stupid add-ons to your MySpace page that my browser screeches to a halt every time I open it. Consequently, I can never achieve my main objective: looking at pictures of you and your wondrous cleavage.
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Mr. Sardonic
This guy spends hours thinking up funny, anecdotal things to write in the “About Me” section of his profile. He prides himself on making his profile the epitome of “clever”, yet he usually resorts to trite, overused movie quotes or song lyrics like “It’s hip to be square.” or “A paradigm of chastity and virtue.” to encapsulate him. This is the same guy who writes feature articles about the different personalities you find on Facebook and MySpace. Oh…wait. Eh, who am I kidding? I’m just as guilty as the rest of you cyber-nerds.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Awesome article. I specifically hide the camera at social gatherings in an attempt to thwart Ms. Kissy Face. It rarely works. Damn the digital camera, I say! Damn it to hell!
December 29th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I’d say you forgot to mention little 17 and under hussies showing off their cleavage, but it seems you’re into that, so I digress.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
LOL, love it, so true, I laughed out loud when I read through each one and can say that I fall under none of the categories. number 10, 4, 5,6 & 7 made me laugh so much. Great article, gotta love facebook & myspace though
May 14th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
You know you can use http://www.peogle.net to find extra stuff about people on fbook myspace and stuff. try it.