Webupon

I love the Internet. It’s like a giant toy store that I can play in for hours while still pretending that I’m a responsible adult. There’s so much free stuff out there, cyber-treasure that dwarfs anything we have on Earth; all the buried treasures of ancient civilizations and all the sunken chests bursting with gold doubloons and jewelry, guarded by pirate skeletons inside rotting ships sinking into the ocean’s mud.

There’s stuff for sale, too, but it’s usually cheaper than bricks-and-mortar merchandise, and shopping on the Internet is almost as safe as shopping in a rather run-down area in, say New York City. I don’t shop on the Internet anyway. Or at least I thought so until I found out that the Internet, a vast world of treasure and delight, is also a minefield that can blow up the unwary.

“Free Credit Report”, the ads screamed. I’m always leery of that, but legislation was passed not long ago to enable US citizens to obtain exactly that. So I went online. Well, it turned out that the credit reports were not exactly free, but there was a 7-day free trial period, during which the website assured me, I could obtain a free credit report from the three major credit bureaus. I filled in the online form, and waited happily for the free, immediate credit reports.

Shunted off to the website of one Credit Bureau after another, I was asked obscure questions about my past financial life, some of which didn’t seem to apply to myself at all. What was the name of the auto leasing company that I signed papers with 5 or so years ago? What vehicle did I hire, and how much did I pay. There were questions about an obscure escrow company that I had either forgotten, or never heard about. “Sorry,” the websites told me, we don’t like your answers, and you’re not getting an immediate credit report. “Talk to our representative,” they said.

“Good,” I thought. “I prefer dealing with humans anyway.” The humans must have been programmed by the website developer. They asked the same questions, which I was unable to answer, and they refused to deliver my free credit report. I quit. I know I have bad credit, I guess that’s enough. End of story.

Except that, exactly a week later, the charges rolled in, destroying my fragile bank balance, and causing overdrafts, followed by further, domino-effect overdrafts. I had no idea where these charges originated, certainly not the free Credit Report companies. However, on tracing down the tangled URL threads, I did, finally, arrive back to the free credit report company. It was based in Texas, and supplied no phone number. Texas doesn’t appear to have any knowledge of it, or its phone number, and my emails go unanswered.

I know, I should have been more careful. Nothing is free. Pay nothing, get nothing. Except that in this case I paid and still got nothing, except a bill, annoyance, and several overdrafts.

Caveat Emptor. Let the buyer beware.