Webupon

Image via Wikipedia

It may sound strange; but, sometimes arguing can be very rewarding. In these cases, two people have differing perspectives on an issue and they discuss them in a civil manner. Two people can argue and each can learn a little on the way. It’s good to try to learn something from the other person from each argument. Other times, an argument can lead to destruction of a relationship. Words are spoken or written which “cross the line” and people have a hard time forgiving each other. Sometimes the argument can be a way for people to actually honestly express what they think about the other person. This can be very cathartic, “finally, I told her how self centered she is. All she ever does is talk about herself.” Ultimately, no one can avoid arguments all together. There will be times when you have to voice your opinion. Inevitably, someone will disagree. When you are face to face and the two of you are good friends, usually you will end the discussion on a good note. Emailing arguments is a whole different game and I am here to warn against it.

I have been in a few email arguments which have all led to disaster. Just this week, I believe I may have destroyed a very good friendship which I blame, in part, on email. I actually really enjoy my email. I check it every day and send a few messages to friends to keep in touch. It allows me to communicate on my own time. I don’t have to worry about being stuck on the phone for a long time. If I only have 15 minutes to spare, I can write a few quick notes and badda bing… I have checked in with five friends. It’s great. Then, the next morning, I check in again and see what they have to say in reply, if anyone does reply. It’s fun stuff. It’s like getting a letter in the mailbox each day. You’re probably thinking yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone does this, so what? Well, the “so what” is I shouldn’t argue with a good friend using email. I think everyone should keep email simple and friendly if my experiences are anything to judge this by.

Because my latest email argument involved a person I really care about, I have decided to look into this email phenomenon more carefully. I have learned that what I am writing and what people are reading can be two entirely different things. That is fine when everything is peaceful. But, when there is a disagreement, you want to be clear that what is getting across to the other person is exactly what you meant to say. With email, that is not always the case.

First, the obvious dilemma is that the reader cannot see your face. I didn’t realize the importance of facial expressions and body language, but they can be really necessary. Let’s say I wrote, “Could you please ask your daughter not to email my daughter unless she has something nice to say.” This may look aggressive. But, if I were standing right in front of the person, I could raise my shoulders and give a look like, I am sorry to have to be saying this, but I am just asking. I could say it like I was ever so humble. Or, I could see the expression on my friend’s face and notice that her feelings are hurt and I could explain. I’d fix it right away. We need to see this body language! Without it, email becomes austere and people are left to their own minds to decide exactly what you are thinking. Instead of being face to face with a chance to explain what I meant either by more words or in my body language, this sentence is left to swirl around in my friend’s mind. Scary.

It’s just like reading a book. Ten people could read a book and have a book club meeting. Everyone enters the meeting with a different perspective on what they read. That is because they are engaging in transference. People project their wishes and fantasies and fears onto the words. Some aspects of our mental image of the other person is based on our own expectations and needs rather than on the reality of the other person. This is an unconscious act. We don’t see it coming and often times this steers our behavior and leads us into trouble, as it did in my latest email argument. Ok, so I did write a sentence like the one I described earlier. Judging by the response I received, I really hurt my friend’s feelings. So, she wrote something back which was long winded (if email can be winded) and nasty. See, at least, that is how I perceived it. She too probably didn’t mean to be nasty. But, I couldn’t hear the tone of her voice or see her body language. She couldn’t see the look on my face of horror or the tears welling in my eyes as I read it. She could have probably cleared it up right then and there if these things were possible. But, with email, they are not.

The thing is, with email, one has ample time to stew on their hurt feelings. The person can walk around and think and think. They can call a few friends and discuss their interpretation of what they had just read. They can build up to creating a worthy reply in their head until they are ready to sit at the computer and charge back at the other person in their response. The conversation is an asynchronous interaction. It is not occurring in real time. So, what was meant as a little heads up on a situation, that could easily have been interpreted in a nice way, turned into a full on junior high style mix up. She emailed back, I emailed back again, and so on. It was dreadfully immature. And I am quite certain neither one of us knew where the other one was coming from because of the problems with an email argument.

Don’t get me wrong. Email is a very useful time saving tool. I will still use it to keep in touch with my friends. I just know now that if I have something important to say to someone I love, I will not email it. I will make sure they either hear my voice or see my face. I will not again allow the limitations of email mess up a valuable friendship. If the friend who I speak about is reading this, perhaps she will give me another chance, in person, or maybe she won’t. I learned from it either way.