Repeat to yourself: I Am A Great Blogger. And here are fifty-one other positive self-affirmations to make you into an even better Blogger.
- I can and will post a new and great entry in my blog each and every day.
- Three days from now, when I’m too lazy to post a blog entry, I promise to be angry at myself for half an hour before sitting in front of the TV to watch “House”.
- On days I do write for my blog, I resolve that my articles will be fun and interesting to read.
- And if my blog entry isn’t fun and interesting to read, I’ll make it fun and interesting by posting a personal attack on another blogger who is probably more popular than me.
- I resolve not to be upset when nobody posts comments on my blog.
- I resolve not to lose my temper and kick my dog in the abdomen again when someone makes the comment, “yu ar teh suxxor” on my blog.
- And I swear I won’t put my fist through a window and heave my computer out onto the front lawn when I discover my comments section has been spammed by 2,176 entries for a sex-enhancing product called “V1agRa”.
- I will be a considerate blogger and visit other blogger’s websites…
- …ostensibly to make positive comments about their blogs, but in actuality I will be gathering information for future personal attacks (see #4).
- I promise to monitor other bloggers’ websites every day in the hopes they have an online nervous breakdown and post embarrassing details about their horrible life on their blog.
- I promise to grab a copy of an embarrassing post by another blogger before they come to their senses and delete it after half an hour.
- And I promise to copy-paste these embarrassing posts on my own blog for major “lolz”.
- I resolve to install Google’s AdSense on my blog so I can make an extra $0.87 this year by pleading with visitors to click on said ads, which they will refuse to do with glee.
- I promise to try that new Internet advertising package that will generate 32 pop-up ads each and every time someone visits my blog.
- I resolve to post links that are fun and interesting to visit.
- Or if the link isn’t fun and interesting, at the very least goes to a YouTube video of a teenaged girl doing a cam dance in her bedroom.
- That’s if I’m a straight guy, or a Lesbian. If I am a Gay blogger, all my links will lead to YouTube videos of young and confused shirtless college guys dancing to “It’s Raining Men” by The Weathergirls.
- I resolve to hunt down and punch anyone in the face wherever there are on this planet if they plagiarize any of my blog articles.
- And I will post on the Internet any and all pictures of me punching plagiarizers in the face. “Cause that”s good content everybody can enjoy (except plagiarizers).
- I swear to give proper credit to the original artist any graphics I use on my website…
- …unless I’ve found said graphic through Google Image Search and either A) everyone else is using the picture already and/or B) I’m pretty darn sure the original artist will never visit my website.
- Rule number 20 also applies to web templates, java script codes, and anything else I can siphon off the “Net and get away with.
- I promise to attend at least one blogger gathering this year in person.
- I resolve not to laugh at all the losers at the blogger event I will attend this year.
- I promise not to get mad at the people laughing at me at any blogger meetings I attend this year.
- If any blogger links or posts to my blog, I promise to return the favor.
- Unless said blogger is a newbie, or they suck at blogging, or I just don”t feel like linking to their blog.
- I promise to write at least one blog “prank” article this year where I pose as a fifteen year-old girl on craigslist, Facebook, or MySpace.
- I promise I won’t post the resulting online conversation that results when my Uncle Lou in Cincinnati starts chatting me up when I pose as a fifteen-year old girl.
- I resolve to sacrifice my dignity by begging people to “digg” my blog posts. Or “flurl” them. Or “slashdot” them. Or whatever the hell weird Internet verb can be done to my blog posts to get me just a tiny meager scrap of Internet fame, the best kind of fame there is.
- I promise to improve the overall look of my website by learning more HTML, CSS, etc, this year.
- Or, barring that, either I’ll find a free web template I can use (see rule #22) or I’ll unmercifully pester one of my computer geek buddies who knows all that code crap to do the job for me.
- I promise to try “mobile blogging” and post pictures on my website using my cell phone’s camera.
- I resolve to stop mobile blogging when I accidently post a picture of my buttocks on the Internet when I drop my cell phone while undressing.
- (Women bloggers only): I promise to post more pictures of my cat(s) on my blog, because the 1,287 pictures I posted last year probably weren’t enough for.
- I promise not to bring up the controversial subject of religion on my blog…
- … unless it is about our Lord and Saviour, The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- I promise to incorporate my blog into popular social networking websites such as Facebook…
- …even though visiting websites like Facebook takes up fourteen hours a day just to keep up with all the “social networking”.
- Oh look, someone just poked me.
- I better poke them back.
- Hey, let’s install that new application on Facebook that will let me know the exact moment Abe Vigoda dies from a massive heart attack.
- And then I’ll visit my friends on StumbleUpon, and check out a few random websites…
- Good God, its four-thirty seven in the morning…
- I’ve been sitting at my computer desk for over seven hours straight…
- I can’t… can’t feel my legs…
- I promise to stop visiting these social networking sites so much to promote my blog.
- I resolve to stop blogging so much since I haven’t seen what “the outdoors” looks like in five whole days.
- I promise to clean up the pile of empty Frito bags and Jolt-Cola bottles surrounding my computer desk in a six foot radius, too.
- Aw, nuts. Its a new day already. Gotta write another blog post…
- Ah, I’ll do it later. I wonder if “CSI: Miami” is on…?
March 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
Great post as always!
March 5th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Add to nine: and will do so in a different language so there is not a change that the original blogger can google me and comes by to punch me.
March 11th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hahahahha. Awesome post! Keep it Up!